During her school holiday show, my kindergartener and two of her classmates burst into tears as they stepped on stage. Another child repeatedly asked, “Where’s mommy?” and several others looked anxious as they scanned the audience for family members. Their teachers had their hands full as they tried to calm the kids and lead them in a solstice carol.
Holidays can prompt big emotions in children (and adults). The build-up to a special day – particularly major cultural celebrations – can be overwhelming. To avoid major meltdowns, parents and caregivers have to work extra hard to provide children with skills for managing the emotional hype.
One approach is to help children manage their expectations. Holidays often give rise to grand ideas about what will happen and how wonderful it will be, which increases the likelihood that children will be disappointed. Encourage kids to dream about possibilities and also temper their expectations with reminders of past experiences. Suggest that they rank what they hope will happen on a scale from 1 (very likely) to 10 (very surprising). Talk about things they might do to increase the likelihood of an expectation being met, such as helping with household chores so the family has time to go ice skating or practicing songs so they can go door-to-door singing carols.
Another significant factor is to manage your own emotions. Kids pick up on adult stress levels, which often increases their anxiety. Take time to breathe and invite children to join you in a simple centering practice when tensions run high. Pick a code word (like ‘butterscotch’ or ‘donkey’) to use when you feel overwhelmed and encourage children to do the same. Declare break times from holiday festivities and take a walk, paint a picture, or listen to soothing music.
Managing holiday emotions also becomes easier when you set realistic holiday goals. This can be difficult, particularly when families are pulled in multiple directions by extended family, work, school, and friends. Social media and ads can also create a false sense that we have to do and buy more or be disappointed. Acknowledge the pressure and model resisting. Role play politely declining invitations for activities. Create a decision matrix for determining which holiday activities to schedule. Ask each other why you want to do or buy something and build in a decision delay to encourage reflection about its value.
To help everyone identify how they are feeling at any given time, use an emotions chart. One that associates feelings with emojis or colors can be simple enough for young children and a quick reference when emotionally fraught situations occur. Kids (and adults) can then say, “I’m feeling green with envy” or make a face that imitates a feeling emoji to communicate what’s happening inside them. You can even combine this approach with the code word idea and use colors or emojis as shorthand communication in big emotion moments.
Comments