“Where do gerbils go when they die?” asked my 7 year old. It was a few days after the death of Bobbin, her first pet. As we talked about Bobbin’s final resting place in our side garden, we also observed that the gerbil lived on in our memories. Our conversation ended in a hug and mutual assurances that we loved each other (and Bobbin) very much.
Studies show questions that prompt deep sharing help people connect with each other. When we invite children to talk about things that really matter, like their hopes and fears, significant experiences, or feelings, we and they feel more supported. Some studies even suggest that meaningful questions help children and parents or caregivers experience a deeper sense of love.
Conventional wisdom suggests that any kind of conversation is good for relationships. But researchers have found that probing questions are more effective than small talk at generating a sense of closeness. That’s because these questions call for more vulnerability or encourage greater self-disclosure than more casual questions. Talking about feeling alone requires more self-reflection and trust than sharing about a favorite movie or game.
However, not all deep questions need to touch on difficult concepts like death. Inviting children to share their hopes and dreams also encourages closeness. The trick can be listening seriously to kids when they dream about living in outer space or becoming a professional athlete when they aren’t very good at sports. In these cases, the connection comes through learning more about why they have these desires, rather than moderating their expectations.
It might help to know that one key to connection is self-disclosure. When we share something that reveals a part of ourselves, we hope to be seen and heard. When someone else invites us to share, we anticipate that they will see and hear us. Thus, asking questions about what a child has done, regrets doing, or hopes to achieve in the future encourages them to reveal themselves to us. It says that we really want to see and hear them.
Recent research suggests that conversations in response to significant questions work just as well online as in-person. Thus, parents and caregivers might encourage distant family members to explore meaningful questions with children when they are video chatting. Instead of querying what a grandchild is doing at school, grandparents might ask what goals they hope to achieve in the next year or what law they would most like to change (and why). With younger children, they might ask who they hope to be when they grow up or what they wish they could change about their neighborhood.
It’s also helpful to provide opportunities for children to ask adults deep questions and receive honest answers. Meaningful conversations need to be two-way streets so that kids don’t feel like adults are quizzing them. While it’s okay to say that some topics are off limits, being willing to be vulnerable about your own hopes, fears, and dreams encourages children to do the same.
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